Would you ACTUALLY buy this product???

Hi friends,

Perhaps this cold has made me a bit crabby today, but I got my tail in a bunch when I read this pitch for an affiliate product:

The Amazing Money-Making Secret Of A 28-year-old Convicted Felon Who Earns More Money Per Year Than The CEOs Of FedEx, eBay(R), Amazon, Time Warner, Apple Computer, McDonalds, Microsoft, Nike, Yahoo, Ford Motor Company, General Motors, And Goodyear Combined!

Let’s take a few minutes to dissect exactly what’s being said. For all we know, it’s all true, but how does it land? (in between my sneezing and coughing, it didn’t land well on me!)

“The Amazing Money-Making Secret Of A 28-year-old Convicted Felon” 

Although I’m going to assume that this person’s felonious conviction occurred in something other than forgery, my initial reaction is to make sure no one’s stolen my purse. The chances of a reader handing over money to this guy are slim to none.

Next part…

“Who Earns More Money Per Year Than The CEOs Of FedEx, eBay(R), Amazon, Time Warner, Apple Computer, McDonalds, Microsoft, Nike, Yahoo, Ford Motor Company, General Motors, And Goodyear Combined”

The focus is on sensationalism (Who Earns More Per Year) which is thenfollowed by the assumption that the reader will see the list of reputable Fortune 500 companies and align the “felon” within the same category.

<heavy sigh>

 My opinion aside, there’s an attempt at utilizing basic copywriting elements such as –

-       Being provocative – This does NOT mean making claims that are beyond belief, such as a woman’s claim of an extraterrestrial impregnating her with Elvis’s love child.

-       Gaining attention – It got my attention, but not in a positive manner. My preference is not to purchase something online from an unknown character who’s dabbled in crime.

-       Aligning with “big names” – listing 12 other companies is overkill. Also, the average reader sees these companies as virtual Goliaths…untouchable. Which only makes the claim less believable.

Note: I did NOT say that the claim isn’t true…merely that it’s a bit tough to believe.

Now, one of the biggest issues is that the reading flow is very clunky. When you want to judge how your own writing is progressing, there’s a very way to avoid “clunkiness”…read everything you write out loud.

Getting to hear how the words fall on your ears will quickly pinpoint where the verbiage slows, or where you may need to cut back. It’s my experience that most copywriters get waaaay too chatty and verbose rather than focusing on “speed of the read”.

Check your copy for hesitation-verbiage such as the word “and”. Try to eliminate as many of those as possible without disrupting the flow of the copy.

Look for times you’ve injected the narrator’s view. This shows up as “I see that” or “In my experience” or “I just need to say this” type of thing. When you insert that narrator’s voice, then the reader becomes aware that there’s another person involved in the conversation. At times, it’s necessary, but try to use that to your advantage.

Now…

Let’s take the headline above — give it a bit of room to run…

Discover the Top Money-Making Secrets Of A Falsely-Accused Felon Who NOW

Earns MORE Money Than The CEO’s of 7 Fortune 500 Companies!

From here, some of the companies could be listed. But not so much that there’s overkill. The reader would then jump directly into the body of the copy which would substantiate the claims and learn how this affiliate program may benefit them.

That, my friends, is my quick and crabby post for today!

Hoppily yours,

CB

P.S. If you’d like to send me a direct email with comments or suggestions, feel free to do so at cb@copybunny.com